I used to …

Everything is possible. For the one who can open his eyes and think outside the box.

I have found my happiest places, in hopeless ones. I drove for hours, on empty roads, to this horizon always renewing opportunities. It is never over. Behind each turn, on top on each hill, after each forest; there is always more. More to see, to feel, to think about.

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It is quite narcissist to travel on your own, self-centered for you only have to care about your own needs and desires. In this selfish act, I feel I am growing into a better version of myself. Not only more adventurous but also more patient. I am leaving less space to pressure and I am accepting more, from myself and from the world around me. Accepting more opportunities, and giving more chances.

Breaking out of my clean (!) and organized bubble was the hardest thing I have ever done. Also because I had no reason to do it, if not my motivation to see what was outside. I just wanted to be sure that I was not settling for less, and that I was on the right path. It is a dangerous game, for you might as well never be satisfied and keep running for ever. But I wanted to run the risk and see if really this bubble I was evolving in was the right fit for me. I could afford to break it for I knew I would be able to jump back in any time.

The jump so far has only taken me further away from my home bubble, for my own good!  I (re)connected with ideas and feelings that could not fit in my previous life, and that I intentionally shut down as I was trying to fit in. The places I see, the people I meet, the experiences I live, the things I feel … this is all I needed to know.

You can go your own way, they sing. I remember perfectly how I felt hearing those simple words, put together with genius music notes, played on the radio in the car of my dear coffee master friend. We were just out of our weekly Muay Thai training, I was feeling light and happy, strong and free. This feeling is the one I will never give up on. Chase it forever, never bury it and always give it priority. I can only be the best version of myself if I follow this feeling. I can only be good to the ones I love if I can pursue this feeling. I can live instead of surviving if I keep nourishing this feeling. It makes me dance, and I love dancing my dances.

Breaking free. As much as I found it almost impossible back home; I find it easier here to start my process. A start clean begins with the identification of what is holding you back. I had to find that out. How could I if I did not change my habits? I needed to feel what I was missing and what I was feeling released of. It is painful to miss the ones I love, but the release from what was holding me back is helping healing the pain. I am learning how to be a better partner, for I know what to hold on and what to let go.

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Alone and lost in the middle of nowhere for the last days, I have been through a few intern storms before I could come to peaceful state of mind. It was confronting enough to be up there, with no connection with the world as I have always known it. No network, but a sky full of stars. Gardens are parks, trees grow on rocks, deer are jumping in your backyard to eat up leaf buds and flies are biting you in the head (they bite off a piece of your skin; they do not casually suck your blood). I have lost track of time and I sincerely did not know what the days were.

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I can appreciate now the times where I face myself and answer the questions I used to shut down back home. There is no distraction here, only elements helping me the reconnect and see the things for what they really are.

I used to wonder what I was doing; I now wander from a wonder to another. I used to trade dairy, I now train daily. I live better, feel deeper, experience to the fullest. The dream – I am making true – is the life I have been searching for. It does not necessarily have to last forever, but just the idea it is possible makes all the rest a lot more ok. I know I can make it my way, and it is sufficient to know it.

It might be a few takes before you will trust yourself enough to jump, and it is oke. Just feel the moment. Even the smallest steps are enjoyable… Yesterday, wandering in Mont Tremblant with a pleasant surprise partner, I only dipped the tip of my fingers in the small stream running to the Diable River. To cool down after a very hot hike, we went pedaling on the Lake Monroe and offered our exhausted feet a (very) quick cold bath. Today, enjoying the view of the other side of the Mount from a Spa hot tub, I wanted to keep up the ice water progress.  I went down to the river and walked in up to my knees. When I could feel my feet again, I went back and jumped in, holding on to the rope hanging on the platform. Oh the feeling of bathing – even just 5 seconds – in a 8 degrees water. Amazing! As much as I enjoyed the jump, I appreciated ever step which got me there. It is about the process.

The Diable River is the queen of the valley; she feeds multitudes of lakes spread among the hills and peaks. At that time of the year, green and blue are dominant colors. If you are lucky, you can spot the white tale of a deer running away from the noise of our heavy dragging feet. Bravest deer give you a judgmental look when you pick up your camera and start shooting them frenetically.

I drove back to Montreal tonight, in the almost full moonlight. I am tiny, and happy. I accept being nothing for this place and I am grateful for I get to keep everlasting memories. I did not leave a trace, barely riddles in this water I just begin to acclimate to; and it feels good. It is not anymore about possessing and building, it is about being in harmony.

 

 

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