The eagle has landed. But I keep my wings open. I haven’t unpacked yet.
I am not here yet, not there anymore. I am floating in a state of mind that I find hard to describe and hard to live in. Coming back is the best reflection to all of my changes. Not much is different here, but my perspective and my expectations are not as they used to be.
I suffer from the jetlag, not because I am tired but because all my free time has gone. I used to wake up to mornings I would have entirely to myself, for all my relatives would be sleeping on the other side of the world. I would only have to worry about the outside of my bubble for the few hours of sunshine in both our skies. This freedom window has gone; I left it behind without even knowing it.
I am therefore conquering a new kind of freedom, building it up slowly and carefully. It is not as easy as it sounds, either as I thought it would be. It is fascinating to see how quickly I reconnect with my (bad) habits of consumption and (wrong) idea of happiness now that I am in Europe. I am constantly bringing myself back to the roots I unearthed as I was cruising around the globe. The exercise now is all about finding, giving and saving a place for all the memories, lessons and dreams I collected.
To all the ‘’and now’’ I have heard since I have set foot on the Swiss ground, I want to smile and say: now we see. Now we live. Now we enjoy the life lesson. I have no plan but thousands of envies, there is no rush but thousands of opportunities, there is no rule but thousands of possibilities, and I have no limit but thousands of stories. I am so excited for what is coming; also a little scared when I see how fast life is going. I just do not want to miss a thing.
It is the weirdest thing to be back in a place I love, with people I love, feeling so different and yet the closest to myself I have ever been. I have left the guilt behind, I brought up the confidence. I am slowly walking back into a structured life; but I am fighting against the constant count which was running my freedom and spontaneity. Counting the laps I swim, the calories I eat, the hours I have left before a meeting, counting and organizing every minute of every day : this is precisely what I do not want to go back to.
I realize my luck now is in the new chance I get to re structure the life I haven’t started yet. I know what I can do, I know what I want to do, I know what I like to do, and I know what I must do. I can draw my own balance, my own rules, my own way. Without running away from any responsibility, any problem nor any fear. If I ever feel stuck again, I will remember this is not a position, it is a stepping stone.
Now? I can build up my life with my new standards, my new perspective and priorities; and more importantly with my faithful loved ones, my awaken roots and my treasured dreams.
Now is the time to shine, authentic, finally.
Bring it on! Bhakti is leading my steps, nothing can go wrong, and everything is possible.